i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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