I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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