Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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