Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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