So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
