I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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