Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
