dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
