I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
