She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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