I seem to have left my pride at pride
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
