Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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