I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
