When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
two words...techno handjob
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
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