Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
