I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
