So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
