Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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