And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
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