I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
