I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
