i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
