woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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