And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
