that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
one might say we're banned from that church
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
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My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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