Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
