I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
