if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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