sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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