I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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