i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
