this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
