I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
