I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so let's talk penis.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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