why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
