It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
