my phone needs a breathalizer
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
