I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
