I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
