I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
