The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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