is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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