It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
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Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head