Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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