I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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