He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
