I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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