I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
