i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
