Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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