I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
