alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
