nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dick very happy bro
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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