So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You smell like stripper and shame
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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