Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
